I really can’t believe the progress I’ve made with digital drawing. The lines are so much better. The fault lay with the worn out stylus nib. 😐

Now that that’s settled. I’m wondering what next. I still have to get down to that life drawing thingy. This being a touristy city and it being the tourist season, I have plenty of places and opportunities to go out and draw. However, the important thing is that I’m lazy too. (Shy actually).

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God’s Own Country

Oh. My. God. It’s such a beautiful film. I’m sure I’m gonna watch it many times in future. Fucking stark realism….no words to describe really. 💓 💔 ❣

So I made a plan

So I made a plan. My brain has been overworking so much that I was feeling fatigued in the evening. Tired. Fatigued even. So I drew out what I wanna do (I write much better with paper and pencil 😬). I’m feeling better having written this. So 2018 has to be the year I improve upon my drawing.

The height of my frikkin romanticism is this: I want to close shop and go back to sailing only because in four years when I’ll be 42, I want to do the 3-year classical art course in fucking Florence. The fees per semester is $17,500 and it doesn’t include the art supplies or lodging. At the end of the course there is only a 50% probability of my being able to sell a single painting. But still I want to put that much of money into it.

The problem is that I don’t have that kind of spare cash right now. And i don’t see me getting it if things continue like right now. So I gotta go back to the sea. I’m of course freaking out at the prospect cause I am out of touch. I think I’ll ask them to give me one of those rust buckets that ply in the Amazon. At least I’ll not bang her.

(I think I so earnestly want to do this because at least that will be my one thing that no one can take away from me … clutching at straws and all that …)

I have missed two days of Gym this week because of waiting at Government Offices. So not feeling very guilty. I am having smaller meals than what is usual for me. That doesn’t mean I’m starving or anything but only that I stop when I feel I’m full. Like I said before, my posture is better. I’d be attracted to someone like me. 😅

I guess I’ll start seeing a change in the weighing scale from two weeks. I asked to trainer to level up my exercises from Monday.

<Fingers crossed >

Fuck this teen whom I was attracted to is allied and then started finding obnoxious cause he is one of those boys, he’s got his ass towards me doing one of those triceps exercises…I don’t feel demisexual looking at that ass at all 😂

So I watched Set it Up on Netflix. Great movie. Very cute actress and lead actor. I’m sure Glen Powell is definitely gay. He has that hunky gay vibes coming out of him. Like some one in one of those m/m romances I’m always reading. The weird thing about the movie was the PC bug that’s caught America. The lead is describing two people to the guy who operates the Kiss Cam and she says, she’s a fierce beautiful woman and he’s an attractive guy (or something like that) instead of that she’s an attractive Asian woman and he’s a handsome black guy. I wonder who considers that as racist. <rolling eyes>

Watched Home Again too. I used to love Reese Witherspoon. Nice breezy movie. The plot was a bit flimsy though. Cute actor. But the best thing about the movie was the house and the garden. Oh. My. God ! I want that exactly.

So I sat mom n dad down and came out again.

Damn it ! Do I have to explain to you again why I can’t marry a girl?

Mom shakes her head.

“You feel it is easy for me? Do you feel I don’t want someone to share my life with? Do you think I don’t know that I have 5 or 10 years with you and then I am going to be all alone for the rest 25? Do you think I don’t know that I’m throwing away my life? Why do I have to do this again? I don’t want anyone in my life anymore. I’m happy alone. I can’t have anyone anymore. Damn it, I don’t even feel sexual anymore. I’m anti-human company now. No I don’t even want a kid (not even the one I have applied for adoption).

I have stopped expecting any empathy or sympathy from you. Damn it, when I was down and would not eat for 3 days you (to mom) were worried that cops would get involved for my ‘attempted suicide’. I know I am going to be alone, that’s why I have taken such an expensive medical insurance. You are not even aware that I underwent an operation when I left the job at the capital. I went and got myself admitted and got operated. I did not even have any money. Thank God for insurance.

The only thing that gives me something to look forward to is my painting and for that, you (to Mom) say that no need to do the ‘expensive’ course but to visit the place and ‘assess where I stand’ and you (to dad), you say that the wishes which are not fulfilled in this life are fulfilled in the next one ( and that I can become a fucking teacher !). You should not even try philosophising because your are a ZERO in philosophy.

Any man or woman would be LUCKY to have me (mom nods head in agreement. She tries to speak but I raise my hand) No, listen to me. Unfortunately, I am the one who has to say oh myself. If I was like that (cousin, who’s been sorta missing for past 3 weeks and not answering the phone-he’s very much alive), someone who would be a miserable drunk, whom you have to collect from some ditch, then you would appreciate me.

So please, stop pestering me about getting married to a girl. “