The card with no pinhole

When your life is going downhill, you can look back and think how you aligned all the pinholes at various moments to arrive at this situation.

You can put in a card with a different pin hole to stop yourself hurtling down the path to suicide but you keep on rushing down nevertheless.

You utter cries for help, sometimes explicitly, but you’re either brushed aside casually or you are so fucking depressed for so fucking lot that they think you just “like” to cry.

Then even the self help websites tell you that you like to feel “self-pity” and that’s the worst. Add another black mark to the various bad things about you.

The only person that holds the card to stop all this is you.

Mom is one really toxic person. She gets it from her grandmother. Her father was a bully too. I’m thankful that it ends with me. Those dirty genes don’t have to travel ahead. My son has totally different set of genes. She fell down the day before and was mostly in bed. I dreamt if her. I woke up feeling how lonely it would feel when she’s gone. And then she comes downstairs with a humongous black cloud and generally fucked up everyone’s mood.

Once a Cheater !

Still cant believe what an idiot i have been ! wasted so many years. My most sincere advise to anyone who needs to hear this – if someone cheats on you, dump them immediately and never forgive. They chose someone else over you, they will do it again. Don’t enable. Once is too many.


I think i am finally over him. Talked to his close girlfriend and she confessed today that she had covered up for him multiple times in the past. And i think she knew about his getting engaged a month before he finally dumped me.

He had told her that ”the dark side of me” wanted him to sleep with other people (sometimes in front of him) that’s why he cheated on me. 😆

What i learnt from this after i got over my momentary shock is to not waste another moment of my life doing what i don’t want to do.


I was looking for someone to talk to about all these feelings i was suddenly feeling again. I typed and deleted asking for advice from friends. “Is it a good idea to talk to him?” I have been almost made fun of by almost everyone of them for my whining. Not in so many words but they have maybe run out of advice to give. I am hypersensitive. I wish i wasn’t but i am.

Anyways i asked three friends. The kid said it was okay. The Canadian said no harm would come of it. The second capital guy went all Monica Geller on me. But he was okay when i said id be safe.

Meanwhile I had already said Hi on Facebook Messenger (I didnt have his new number ever since he shifted back to the country). He responded almost immediately. We were very careful and formal. He said he was pleasantly surprised by this and was smiling throughout. I on the other hand was bawling my eyes out but i didnt tell him that of course. There were pauses because we had everything and nothing to say after 5 years.

i felt so relieved afterwards. A weight had lifted off my chest.

Its been 4 or 5 years now, should i message him? Can we be friends? He wanted to be. I refused adamantly. Am i mature enough now?

I did not want to be his friend because I was scared I’d become trapped in all his drama. I had 2 or 3 times before.

Has it been long enough for me to be safe from that ? I am selfish in wanting him to be a friend now because i have no one else to talk to? Is that so wrong?

Let me clarify what drama means-saying he loves me, taking my all in every turmoil in his life, me being constantly worried about him, he cheating on me. He did the same with more dignity and I didnt do the laat part.

The Gardener by Charles Reeza

I want to write this review before i finish the book and my mood improves. This feeling is why i had stopped reading fiction, especially gay fiction. I dont want to waste your time or mine so i’ll keep it short. It’s the author’s first book it seems-he gets better as he goes on. It’s long. It is unputdownable because the narrator is me. I’m sure we share the same birthday. And the story is mine.

<spoilers ahead>

Introverted, super self-controlled, monotonous, awkward, unsocial, friendless, in a boring stable job, loner gets a younger boyfriend who is out of his league. Everything is perfect. Without any evidence just by a very small unnoticeable act he gets a gut feeling he is cheating on him. He gets proven right. The boyfriend has him on a pedestal so is afraid to confess his own dalliances but would not allow the narrator to have gay or men friends out of jealousy. Has slept with everyone and the narrator is always wondering if it was the pizza guy or the cop or mutual friends etc etc. Gets STD. Confronts. Forgives. Everything normal. Catches him in the act. Kicks him out of the house.

<end of spoilers>

I reached this part last night. For the first time ever I could not breathe-i felt triggered. i tried to watch something on Netflix. Didn’t help. YouTube. Nope. So i read some more till i felt he is back in control. But i was still not okay. Porn helped me sleep but i woke up early. I think he is going for a happy ending but how many times is one supposed to forgive?