Firsts

I delay thinking about it. I read a book for about an hour. I’ve put the thought away in some back compartment in my head. It is something I could relate to in Scarlet O’Hara, thinking about it later. is it something to feel proud of?

The word homosexual has finally been used. She used it. We talked about him too. She threatened and then retracted. Both pushing the task of taking a decision to the other. I thought I sounded too enthusiastic about the idea of finally getting out. I prodded her hoping she would say Yes leave and never return but she let it hang it out there. I was feeling too relieved and confident even, talking about it freely. She ended it with it being my decision.

I have still not called or messaged him about it. I don’t want to explain any details and I know how the conversation will end in leaving me dissatisfied. How he will rightly point out that I’m fickle and unable to take any firm decisions. How blood is after all thicker and I’ll remain here.

She said she doesn’t want this disgusting detail to be known after her death not to any one, not to the school or the children. The school is not a place where such examples should be present who could spawn homosexuals, where children would see me as an inspiration.

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