A break?

“Let’s take a break”, he said. “Ok”, I replied. There was no emotion involved. I was fine if he wanted to continue and I was okay if he wanted to separate. I had stopped caring. I had trained myself to stop feeling anything. This was a defence mechanism which affected my libido too. And that was the reason we were having this conversation. In my efforts towards becoming unperturbed by anything concerning him I was not stimulated by him sexually either. He decreed that the problem with me was that I was too self satisfied. “Are you happy?”, he asked me. “I’m contented”, I replied. Yes I was.  I was okay with how things were I said implying that he could take it or leave it. I didn’t explain further. There comes a time when you couldn’t care less if you are misunderstood. “Why did you sponsor my trip if you don’t care about me?” he rattled. “Because you would too if I was in a similar fix, ” I replied. He had helped me the previous year I reminded myself although that was a singular case and I had repaid him many times over before and after that,  so in my heart that didn’t count. I am thankless that way. The parents were never ok with me and him. I go at great lengths to avoid awkwardness. So I would lie when I visited him. Now ever since these visits started giving pain instead of pleasure the lying didn’t seem worth the trouble. So I booked an earlier train and left. We didn’t say goodbye.

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