Company of Old Men

This trance music makes me feel horny. Psychedic images rise in the  mind’s eye – sweaty heated bodies grinding against each other under dim colourful flashing lights. Intoxicated heads swaying from side to side in slow motion, drunk hair following the heads a beat later. Air smelling of what is to follow. Smelling of sex.

I have been to such a place about twice in my life. I have never done drugs, don’t intend to either. Till date I have had sex with about 5 men, out of which only about 2 occasions would actually qualify as sex. The last occasion was the most gratifying.

He is now settled there and from his e-mails i can make out that he doesn’t have any intentions of coming back. He writes that I need only say the words and he’ll come flying back for Ever. He is aware with my family situation the chances of that happening are next to never.
He’s no saint. Nor am I (at least mentally). So who am I to judge if he goes ahead and has an active sex life there? Only the illusion of fidelity is unfair. I spent 8 years under that spell. The promises of chastity extracted from me were unfair. I forgave him. But it is impossible to entirely forget. There also is the guilt of refusing him sex- maybe that drove him away into the arms of other men. But can you blame me entirely? Physical attraction can’t be learnt. After the initial lust it wore out. And the actual ‘act’ was disgusting to me . 
And yet I was not so disgusted that last time with that nubile young pole dancer. Nor was I disgusted with the plentiful men at the Baths. Men are particularly at a disadvantage when it comes to hiding sexual arousal. You either are or are not – it’s there for all to see. The boy with suspicious warts, the one we sent away, wasn’t I visibly aroused to see him, till I turned him over that is. He saw that.
The threesomes during the trip were a tacit agreement. We won’t have sex with each other we knew. It seems a task to me now. When i first started withdrawing from him it was the repulsion because he had betrayed me. Then it became a habit. Now there’s no element of attraction left. I can’t perform with him around. I couldn’t even during the first threesome with the Canadian. It was bit difficult with the rent boy too. I was afraid i won’t be able to perform with anyone. But thankfully that last time was a dream.
So here I am not getting any younger lusting for young guys who are definitely not in to older men. Couple of days ago I was reminded of my  American chat friend. We would chat for hours. He was 42 i think. I was 26. I never considered I’d go to bed with him. He was only a friend. I’m almost in that stage. I feel like a lecherous old man.


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