(Reading nonsensical self talk can be avoided. Even I’m embarrassed :p )
The flavour of the day is Marine Law. I think I want to do it. The issue I have with my decision making process, if there is one, is the total absence of any demarcation between fantasy and the really doable. I tend to lean heavily towards the fantastic. For all the ‘practical’ ‘heartless’ demeanour I project, I’m nothing but a hardcore romantic. There’s not an ounce of honest to God practicality in my nature.
Okay now I’ll indulge in what I mean to achieve by taking on this onerous task:
- I get to live campus life at least once in this life. After High School I’ve only sporadically attended Marine schools, if you can call them that. It has always involved all work and no play (at least I didn’t). All male classmates with exactly the same background and no interests beyond the sea.
- I want School to last the whole four years. After High School the maximum length of marine school has been six months.
- I want to work part time waiting tables (tending a bar will be too chaotic for me). I want to do mundane jobs. I want to feel like a student.
- I want to feel young for one last time. I’m sure I’ll be the oldest in the class. At least I get to hangout with kids in their twenties. And in a co-ed environment.
- They say permanent friendships are formed in College, maybe I’ll make a few friends. Frankly speaking I don’t have (m)any right now.
- A chance for a little romance? Had it not been for this HIV thing we had already drifted apart. I don’t know what is the future of our relationship. But I think I deserve better. I want to reach that crossroad where I have to choose. Pity should not be a reason for staying in a relationship.
- Independence. For once I want to live unshackled. To live for myself. No consideration for the parents or for him.
- I want to work in New York or London. Live in New York for some time.
- I couldn’t be a dentist but I’m sure Marine Lawyers also earn quite comfortably. At least for the time being I feel I’ll work for about 5 years after getting my degree. Let’s see.
Now for the realistic bit:
- Parents left alone in their old age. Dad will complete 70 next year.
- School was started on my insistence and I’m quitting when it’s time to take over. But shouldn’t it be sold off if none of us want to run it?
- I might not get through Law School at all.
- I might be lonely at the School, not make any friends cause they’ll all be so young.
- There are so many lonely gay men out there. What makes me so special that I stand a chance at romance?
- I might keep regretting my decision cause of being lonely and all.
- I might not be cut for Law at all. Maybe I’ll not get good scores.
- I might not get a job at all and then I’ll be forced to return to sea forever to pay up the College loan.
- I’m giving up a very good chance at retiring before 40. I can run the school for 4 years instead, sell it when I’m 40 and retire forever.