We might be inching towards sex.
I’m nervous as hell.


My problem is trying to be perfect. Results in not producing anything at all. ๐Ÿ˜

Alternate narrativeย 

OMG! The weirdest dream ever. In this one, I got engaged to a girl and he Dad approved of me. It felt strangely satisfying. I’m not sure if I was gay in it. The girl’s father was so intense that I was entirely focused on him. He was tall, wearing a horizontally striped (red, black and white) T-shirt with his well defined muscles oozing out- omg I never get colour dreams I guess, but his Tee was definitely clear to me. He might have been in his 50s if I go per logic,  but looked more like in early 40s. Had a pencil thin moustache. I don’t know if it was the girl’s apartment or mine, all I remember is that we were hosting him for a Sunday brunch. It was a downpour, but of course he came cause he was militaristically efficient. He walked down I guess cause at the end of it when I came down to see him off he had an umbrella drying out hanging just outside the foyer. The power was out due to the storm but it didn’t matter cause it was 11ish in the morning. He approved me, she later told me, because he liked that I ate all the spinach served to me even though obviously I didn’t like it – that showed commitment and respect and also I’d take all troubles for her sake. We laughed at it when she told me because it was my most favourite dish ( it’s actually not in real, awake life) and I was frowning because I was concentrating completely on eating as I was afraid of looking at him. Funny thing is that she didn’t tell this to me in the dream that I saw, rather I knew that while I was eating the last bite- I could feel his gaze. When I was in the kitchen clearing the dishes he told her that I passed. As soon as I came back to the dining room she told me that he would now be going and to see him off down. These 4 floor apartment blocks were built in the middle of a huge mango garden, apparently converted from some old colonial era villa. I saw him off at the gate from where he trotted off to his home- he would go round the estate to his own modern apartment. His building tower downtown actually looks over the mango garden but thankfully our gate is far enough to be out of the so that we never cross each other’s paths other than if we really want to. Before waking I was walking back through the rain, sheltered by the trees so not getting wet. I had lot in my mind. Perhaps I knew that I was gay but everything – puberty, girlfriend, steady job and now engagement happened so fast that I didn’t get a chance to explore anything else. I was walking thinking if I really wanted to get married and now I would have to change my Facebook status to ‘engaged to A’ and tell the other friends. Funnily I could only see myself walking but not think what I was thinking because I knew that he is me in an alternative universe, I knew what he was thinking but couldn’t hear his thoughts. Or maybe I could. On the way I turned down suggestion by a friend/acquaintance to walk with him to buy cigarettes-  he was a morph of my real life dentist friend and the surgeon acquaintance who sexts me all the time, I haven’t blocked him because I’m obliged to him. This girl is a friend I would actually marry if I was straight. She’s everything I want in a girl. Somehow the only person who didn’t exist in my dream life was Him.