“No I can’t do one night stands,” I told him, “I have a total system shut down if I try one.” I overthink it to a clamp down, I didn’t add.
He made an incredulous grunt.
When I had referred to him as the guy in the Green t-shirt the umpteeth time, we discussed the pics. I said that he was paranoid enough to not send me a picture of him alone. There was this other guy in all the pictures. “So were you interested in that guy?” he asked. “I don’t even remember his face” I replied. I honestly don’t. But I think there was some conflict in me about whom I wished would turn out to be the guy I was talking to when I had first seen the photos.
Anyways. The phone call went pretty good. The texting earlier had been horrible. We had nothing more to discuss. So when he asked if he could call I quickly said yes. I am really making an effort to not be me. Is this what is called ‘putting yourself out there?” I want to take every opportunity I get. So I said yes. And surprisingly the conversation was very comfortable. In fact he was quite surprised that I don’t talk to guy’s very frequently. I think I told him ‘I’m fighting with myself to make the effort. In fact I’m surprised myself about how much I’m talking. But I still prefer texting….No, no this conversation is perfect…Yes of course we can talk.” Yeah. I don’t know how to talk. Too much information and not filtering what’s going on in my mind is a trademark. But then that’s bound to happen when the only real long conversations I have are here on the blog . You see why I’m making an effort to meet people? But I don’t care actually. This is me. I’m not going to make an effort to make a ‘good impression’. It’s tough pretending all the time. I don’t think I’m that unlike-able. What you see is what you get. Unfortunately people can’t believe that. My ex and even Mechatron have asked me many times, “what do you keep on thinking of?” I have told them many times “I don’t think at all. Believe me.” They didn’t/don’t. I can’t stay idle. I’m always reading (book mobile ketchup bottle whatever) or doing something. So I never have time to ‘think’. I only have feelings which keep washing over like waves. Maybe they convert into a thought somewhere at the back of my mind and when I speak it comes out as something I’ve thought long n hard about.
I think I’m meeting the Guy in the Green Tee (GGT) on Saturday.
(Fuck! These blog posts are becoming longer each day. When I myself hardly ever read anyone’s blog that’s more than a paragraph long.)