Keep the Lights On

This movie by Ira Sachs, available on YouTube was weirdly depressing, distressing and totally relatable to me. I feel like crying but it leaves me tired so I am relieved. The beauty of it was the movie being told from the protagonist’s point of view which made it so intimate. The Danish actor is not conventionally handsome and even his body is so average yet he is so charismatic. I loved the movie. I hope I will see it again when I’m happier. Not for the currently single, it brings out stark memories. Fuck.



The idea of making tiny batches of nuts n vitamin etc supplements was brilliant I think. For the past two days I have taken them all on time. Usually I would forget. Basically I’m taking ZMA for T-count and multivitamins and Omega Fatty Acids as I’m a vegetarian.

Drinking protein supplement first thing in the morning is the most expensive thing I’m doing but I’ll continue till June anyways. I will find out ways to get more proteins in through foods then (also start cooking). That’s because I won’t be able to sustain this expense when I’m an unemployed, struggling artist. I doubt that I’ll be able to afford gym either. But yeah I do need to get down to 64 kgs by April. I’m 76 kgs right now. Sounds like a tall order. Let’s see.

Green said I’m irritating (when I said “aren’t you the grumpy boy”). Maybe I am. I never thought of it that way. (That’s what I replied, I meant it but I was super pissed).

He said “sry” after an hour of me not replying (I had slept).

The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

I started this one as Fielding was just dragging on. Let me tell you this book is as weird as Ulysses which I finally gave up after 2 attempts and not understanding 3 pages.

This one I am not able to decide if I like it or not. There’s so much happening. Thankfully he’s a bit grown up by 3rd page so he’s making some sense. But if we made a movie on this book I think it would look like Amelie. Scenes are like snapshot. I also wondered if I would like a book like this -inspired by life, screenshots of things.

What I did

I more than made up for the video fast on Monday. Finished the latest episode of Outlander. Watched a bunch of YouTube videos. I should perhaps move the TV out of the bedroom. But then I have the iPad. Or maybe I reward myself by watching it as the last thing for being productive.

Also, do you know how difficult it is to eat too much. I mean give me fattening snacks and I can do it in finger snaps. But I tried drinking the protein supplement first thing in the morning and the nuts and fruits and I was oh so full!

Baby steps perhaps….

Video fast has been horrible. Will meet a friend for dinner. Was vacillating the whole day. Sent and unsent messages to him about the meeting. Finally lost my temper on dad. Focusing on good or not but he does the same thing day in and out. Locks my door from outside unknowingly or for his cats. Talked a total of ten minutes to another human today. I don’t see any rectification of this problem anytime soon. VD says I won’t be able to connect with anyone even if I get out if this behaviour continues. I agree. Last I hugged someone, including platonically, was January 2017. The prospect of touching Green seemed daunting too. I was kind of relieved when the whole thing was called off. I don’t know how to rectify this.

Growing Roots :/

If I stay on here till next year, it will break my previous record of “Length of time living at the same address”. Yup, the previous record is 4 years – grades 4 through 7. And it already feels boring. I have even stopped clicking pictures of the mountains when it snows.