It’s a Rut

A couple of posts back I was in such a dark place that I published it privately. Imagine! I have things I don’t want to share anonymously with strangers ! It’s nothing dark dark but I wanted to give you all a respite from my constant complaining.

I know. I know. I have made my own life hell. The worst thing is that I don’t even have friends or anyone to unload on. I think I have used up all the claims. ( Yeah classic loneliness syndrome, I know. Let me describe more of them). I have no motivation to meet anyone. I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t want to volunteer or join any clubs or classes. I am rude and cold and closed and push away people. I overthink my rare encounters and then don’t want to go through them again. My mom has ensured that both sides of the family won’t have anything to do with me after my parents’ death. Rest I have pushed away. Dad’s side we spoiled by employing them in our business.

If I have trapped myself, then what would a life of freedom look like?

I hope no one reads this blog. This is really not me. It’s natural for me to be critical but whining so much is not. I mean it’s been me for past 6-7 years but I’m just going through a bad phase. I hope it gets over soon. In my culture they say it lasts for 7.5 years.

I’m so so so so so so so so so fucking ANNOYED at my parents. After destroying my fucking life they have the gall to keep asking me to “consider” marrying a woman. I so fucking HATE it. And I don’t bloody HAVE anyone to share this bloody frustration with. It’s so damn triggering. She’s not even realising how I went from 0 to 100 with anger.