I come up to my office and realise I left my headphones in the car. Now I don’t want to go down again as I’ll encounter people who will want to smile or nod or wish a good morning. So I stay up. I wait for everyone to get to their work.
The headphones are a sign-I’m busy. It also helps to block out the noise so that I can remain at peace, within my head.
These idiots are turning me into a monstrous recluse who doesn’t even open his mouth to acknowledge a good morning.
Fuck! I’m reading a book which is basically my story. Is this what being “triggered” means? The main character is not moving out of the relationship and I’m feeling so low. There’s still 4 hours to go. Was reading about traumas. I think the end of my relationship was a huge life changing trauma for me. I was too naive.
To avoid being loyal/non-promiscuous, gay men will use the excuse that being monogamous is “heteronormative” behaviour.
I’ve always semi prided myself in being just very common. Ha ha ha. But being so common as to be struggling with losing weight, sticking to exercising, low self esteem and stress is not as much fun :p
Im at that stage of life where doctors recommend journaling to reduce stress. I wonder how it works? Do you spill every single thing on paper? Do I keep every such thing public? Does it benefit me more if there’s an audience?
(Btw I do not like that WordPress has forced me to use the Jetpack app. )
I woke up due to acidity. For past 25 years I have and would like to have dinner at 6, sleep by 10 and wake up 4 ish. However ever since moving home with parents it has been difficult. Mom will act surprised when I tell her repeatedly that I like to eat early. Anyways a late dinner and here I am 4 hours later awake in the middle of the night. Had 2 teaspoons of antacid (which was luckily lying in the dining room cabinet) for the very first time in my life and I’m feeling much better. Before that I was feeling like my whole thoracic cavity will explode. (This journaling business is also helping actually).
Yesterday, after my supernova meltdown, my son said to mom “Dad doesn’t look happy. Why can’t I see him smile.” I felt really sad hearing that from a little boy. No child should be subject to this. So I’ll be thinking more about that here. Later.
I think another of my blog friends has passed away. There’s no other explanation for his silence. I have been expecting this for long now so I was not really surprised when the first thing I checked after logging in was his blog. There’s been no new post. I hope he’s found happiness wherever he is now – in this world or next.
Mutual respect seems to be a fundamental part of friendship. We stop being friends when we feel disrespected or stop respecting our friend. We may call it our “priorities have changed” because we can’t seem to respect each other’s priorities anymore. Or when our stations in life change comparatively and we can’t respect either feeling poorer to them or pitying them for their poverty. We can’t really admire or support something we “respect”.
Today I made a fake Instagram account to follow all artists. I was checking what all they’re doing and I got depressed. These 20 somethings have 20k followers on an average. Some have 100k. They make so much, so beautiful and are selling all the time. And have amazing websites. And diaries and letter ads and stationeries etc.
So now I’m in my bed reading comics and not working. 😂
I used to think I’m good but now i feel I should give up on art.
I had read that babies like a routine to feel comfortable. Is it weird that I want a routine and no surprises?
A couple of posts back I was in such a dark place that I published it privately. Imagine! I have things I don’t want to share anonymously with strangers ! It’s nothing dark dark but I wanted to give you all a respite from my constant complaining.
I know. I know. I have made my own life hell. The worst thing is that I don’t even have friends or anyone to unload on. I think I have used up all the claims. ( Yeah classic loneliness syndrome, I know. Let me describe more of them). I have no motivation to meet anyone. I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t want to volunteer or join any clubs or classes. I am rude and cold and closed and push away people. I overthink my rare encounters and then don’t want to go through them again. My mom has ensured that both sides of the family won’t have anything to do with me after my parents’ death. Rest I have pushed away. Dad’s side we spoiled by employing them in our business.
If I have trapped myself, then what would a life of freedom look like?
The Secret Diary of J. Alfred Prufrock 